I attend Vanguard Community Church in Spartanburg, SC. That’s my church home. I like to visit other churches though. I went to church in Cross the other week and I LOVED it. And don’t get me wrong, I have NOTHING against my church. I love the Pastors, The Word, the fellowship… EVERYTHING. I just HATE when my dad shows up. It is sooooooo (church edit) embarrassing! (deep breath, long sigh) At least he’s in church! But this is exactly what happened on Sunday, April 1st! And I PROMISE you this is NOT an April Fool’s joke.
One thing I like about my church is that we get The Word minus the theatrics. Minus the yelling and bank-head bouncing. But we had a guest speaker this past Sunday. He’s a prophet and he really hears from God. Really some powerful stuff. But anyway… he does all the yelling and stuff. Not saying anything wrong with it, but it just puts my dad in a comfortable position to show out. And that… HE DID!
My dad walks with a cane. So half way through the sermon, he decides to show up to church. He walks ALL the way to the front row, while this man is preaching! Then two minutes later his phone rings and he walks ALL THE WAY to the back of the church to the coffee room to answer it. I’m sitting at the back of the church with my brother Josh and sister Shannel. I make Josh slide over real quick so there would be an extra seat on the end. Two minutes later, my dad limps back out of the coffee room and let’s the door slam. I say, “Pops, sit right here. Sit right here”. And this guy looks at me and just keeps walking ALL THE WAY BACK to the front! He gets his Bible that he when he answered his phone and walks ALL THE WAY BACK to me and sits down. Then he says to me…
“What you want? I’m trying to get The Word”!
“Man… Dad, Shut up. I was trying to get you to sit here so you wouldn’t have to disturb service”.
“O! Well… I’m bout to leave anyway”.
WWWWHHHHAAATTTT?! You come thirty minutes late? Disturb service and ride? You a clown man! Smh…
But before he left, he definitely wanted to do more embarrassing (church edit). My dad just doesn’t understand church etiquette. Here are a couple church rules…
NUMBER ONE: If the pastor asks you to repeat something, do it in unison with the rest of the congregation.
(My dad waits till everybody is finished and then he says whatever he wants to)
Pastor: Say My time is NOW!
Church: My time is NOW!
Then… My dad: “That’s right! Now is the time”!
Pastor: Say my blessing is on the way.
Church: My blessing is on the way.
THEN…………………… My dad, “Let me get my blessing Father”!
NUMBER… TWO: If you try to start a clap and you fail… Three claps are okay and just rub your hands together.
(My dad randomly does six, loud, long claps just whenever he wants to)
AND NUMBER… THREE: Don’t disagree with The Pastor out loud. That’s just rude!
AND NUMBER… THREE: Don’t disagree with The Pastor out loud. That’s just rude!
The Pastor said something about, “You want blessed people in the church. Prosperous people. You don’t want people coming to church and leave going to sleep under a bridge” . Out loud my dad says, “Nawww… Nawww… Let em live Pastor! Let em come”!
Me: “Dad… HUSH”!
“Nah… You don’t HUSH me. I’m a grown (church edit) man! I didn’t agree with that. That wasn’t right”!
“SHHH… DADDY… SHUT UP”!
“Alright… Alright… Ok. *clears throat* AMEN!”
(My dad really is a comedian. He had three whole rows TRIPPIN! Laughing out loud and everything!)
Then he grabs his cane, turns back to me, “Ok brother. I’m bout to go! Be easy…” He gets up and doesn’t go to the back. He walks BACK up to the middle of the church this time, sits down beside my big lil’ cuzzo, D. Houzz, and talks to him for three minutes. Then he gets up AGAIN, limps ALL the way to the back door, but gives me a pound on the way out! “Holla at me brother”!
I couldn’t help but laugh. I just slid down in my chair and Josh tells me, “It’s ok man…”
Follow me on Twitter @jaydukes1911
No comments:
Post a Comment