Shopping Habits= Relationship Habits

Shopping Habits= Relationship Habits

Disclaimer: Number one, I’m not a female so this may be A LITTLE off! But if I’m wrong, tell me I’m wrong. Speaking of shopping… I have to go cop something for Friday! GHOE2011! Going in like I’m on punishment! #tooeasy. Welp… Here it goes:

The whole shopping around theory is a way of life. It’s not just looking for clothes, but I have come to find out that it is a mentality. Follow me…

When females go shopping for a dress they walk around and look. The saleswoman pops out, seems like from the ceiling and asks, “Can I help you with anything?” And you say, “Nah… Just looking.” She responds, “Well… are you looking for anything in particular?” And you say, “Nah… I’ll know it when I see it!”- T.D. Jakes. But I want to take it a step further…

Ladies, when trying to understand fellas, think about your wack ass shopping habits! Pause: I am NOT a shopper. If I like it, I buy it. So, please take note that a “date” is not me tagging along with you to look for an outfit for the concert next week. Kill me now! Play:

When you finally do see “that dress”, you stop and marvel at it. Ooooo… Ahhh… Ahhhh… Oooooo… And you go to the saleswoman and say, “Now… That one *pointing up* is nnniiicccceeee…” And after you already showed interest, the saleswoman asks little dumb questions, “Oh… really? You like it?”

“B*&^% are you stupid? I said it was nice!” But the reason she asked that was because she has to get up out of her seat, grab that pole and stand on her tippy-toes to get that ish. So, if you have NO intention of buying it, then say so NOW! And I’ve seen this ish FIRST HAND! She even makes small talk on the way to the wall to take the dress down to give you ANOTHER chance to say, “no”. And you STILL put on like this is “the dress” you are definitely leaving with. She takes it down! You go try it on! Snap a pic and send it to your homegirl! Put back on your clothes and walk around with that SAME dress in hand looking at other ish for THIRTY f*&^#n’ minutes! Didn’t see anything better, didn’t find a better package AT ALL! But right before you put it on the counter, *light bulb* (gasps) they might have this same dress in H&M. So, you hand it back to her. Leave Express… And the dress you spent sooo much F*&^$n’ time with goes BACK on the wall!!!! Ain’t that a B*&^%!?!?!?!?! And you go to H&M (STILL making me tag alone) and see the EXACT SAME dress! WTF?! Pause: I just HAVE to speak up now, “Babe, that’s the EXACT SAME dress!” “Na unnn… It got ruffles on the strap!” Man… #kill yourself! Play: *looks at tag* “Oooo…. Nooo… this is over-priced. Babe, I got to go BACK to Express!” “You know what? I’m in the car!”

But check: Females- if you find yourself in a situation, think about what the F*&^ you did to that dress! Karma is a B**&^! Fellas treat relationships just how yall shop! Seriously… And it goes a little something like this.

Boy Sees Girl- “Damn she bad!”

Boy hollers at the saleswoman (her homegirl)-

“Who dat? Tell her to come here. She’s Niiiccceee… ”

“You sure? You like her?”

“B*&^% are you listening?! I said she’s nice!”

“Welllllllll… Just so you know she just broke up wit ole boy, so she not looking to play games.”

-silence-

Boy shows interest- Takes the time to introduce himself, time passes, posts pictures all over Facebook and walks hand in hand for months while simultaneously looking around for a better package.

Boy is disappointed- Didn’t find ANYTHING better, but maybe… just maybe… if I take a little more time to look…

Boy frees himself from the ALMOST commitment- A little time passes and you run into a lady with the same ambition, same drive, cute face AND allergic to lace fronts! BUT… she got a fat ass (ruffles on the strap). BINGO! *looks at the price* WTF? Why is this ish so HIGH? Cause the B*&^% smokes weed! #FAIL!

Boy returns to YOU- Oh my… it’s only been a couple months, why are you on the clearance rack already? Not a good look. So, obviously something is wrong with you now. You should have kept yourself up. And ladies, seeing ish on Clearance doesn’t REALLY excite you that much unless you absolutely LOVED that dress. Cause you had it all planned out! That dress was $80 when you left. Now it’s only $30. But you planned on spending $80 ANYWAY… so why not just buy a brand new dress?! If it makes sense to you, it makes sense to us!

Summary:

1.) A date is playing Time Crisis 3, NOT shopping!

2.) I try to keep it real.

3.) Follow me on Twitter @jaydukes1911

4.) Please don’t take my advice.

Jay Dukes qka Mr. Million Dollars qka Mr. “Hey… You Look Familiar”