Relationship Tips for People NOT in a Relationship

Disclaimer: This post has ABSOLUTELY NO facts to back it up.  No expert advice, just ME!  Take the good with the bad.  If I'm wrong, tell me I'm wrong!

Tip #1: KNOW your place. 
In almost every "ship", whether it's friend or relation, you have the captain and crew.  The captain doesn't do nothing but say "Turn left.  A glacier is ahead matees!"  Or you go get the captain when things really get crazy.  But most of the time, the captain just enjoys the ride because they have earned that right.  Their background work experience has put them on that pedestal. 
Then you have the CREW!  The crew really does ALL the work.  They cook, clean, come to work on time and never leave early!  If they stop working the ship WILL sink.  The captain really doesn't care if it sinks or not bc the captain has the credentials to jump to another ship.  #easy.
Are you the Captain or the CREW????

Tip #2: LISTEN
As the crew have you asked the captain to help you out?  You can't cook and clean at the same time ALL the time.  So, you politely ask, "Mr./Mrs. Captain can you PLEASE mop the deck while I cook?"  And if they don't meet your requests, then obviously they don't care that much about this DAMN ship as you do! 

Tip #3: Stop screaming FAIR.
The Fair comes in October!  If your ship is not steering the way you want it to, then it is YOUR fault!  You have already acknowledged that your captain is NOT willing to put in any work.  So, you just stay on the ship to work like a slave.  That was YOUR decision!  Stop crying about the situation.  Two options. 1.) Keep doing 100%, hoping that one day they make up for lost time.  or 2.) Fall back and only put in 50%.  When stuff isn't getting done around the ship, the captain WILL say enough is enough.  They will get tired of eating off dirty plates or looking at a filthy toilet.  They will either help out because they CARE or ride...  You never know until you give them OPTIONS...  It's scary to think about it.  But how many people realized later on down the road that some of your old ships sailed for so long bc YOU did ALL the work.  How easy is it to go to work, clock in, go back to sleep at your desk, and clock out.  But STILL get paid!!!!  (Where do I put in my application?)

Tip #4: Stop comparing!!!!
"Umm... Do yall have air condition on here?  Like... Why yall water don't get hot?  Yall don't have couches in the lounge?  Seriously...?  My last ship  had..." PAUSE!  Just SHUT THA F*&^ UP!!!!  If your last ship was soooo amazing, then WHY are you NOT still on it?  Hello...?  Excuse me?  Oh... You quiet now?  Your last ship may have been a Yatch, but your beloved Captain must have brought in another crew or YOU slacked off...  Ok... Maybe this ship doesn't have it all together, yet.  But do YOU????  Pause: Move your toes real quick.  Play: You messed up soooo bad on your last ship, that you couldn't just walk onto the new ship dealership.  Ok, this ship may be a little banged up and not brand new.  But it's new to YOU!  On your LAST ship- You NEVER paid your bill on time.  On your LAST ship- You didn't put in the effort to make it work, you put in all your effort investivating ish and entertaining meaningless things.  So, look at your CREDIT!  You BETTER be glad we didn't ask you to come with CASH!  But you want to complain and COMPARE?  #killyourself.  If your LAST ship was soooo perfect, ask them if they still hiring!

Tip #5: Be SELFISH!!!!
Remember you are NOT in a relationship.  So, even though you want to think NOTHING else is going on, just be prepared for the worst.  Not being in a relationship is like being in a race against the clock.  It would be easier if you were side by side with your competitors, but you don't even know if you have any.  If you want to take her out to eat, do it!  If you want to chill tonight, ASK!  Why not?  What can you lose?  Being considerate leaves room for nigga to beat your time!  BUT...  watch that fine line between just putting in effort and being annoying and pushy.  Which leads me to Tip NUMBER...

Tip #6:  LET THEM be the BAD GUY
Nobody, and I repeat, NOBODY wants to be the bad guy.  This requires common sense and paying attention.  Consider your almost relationship as a job.  If you are putting in all the work, then obviously you are the employee.  Now, your boss is trying their HARDEST to fire you.  But... they can't because they have no reason to.  You come in on time EVERYDAY, meeting your quotas and going above & beyond.  But one day... just one day... you have to come in late because your grandmother is sick and Jun Bug got shot this weekend.  All your boss hears is, "Oh... Late?  Well... either get here or I'm going to have to write you up.  I'm sorry.  But if you can't make it one time then maybe this isn't the job for you.  I need DEPENDABLE employees."  WHHHAAAATTTTT?!  But since it falls on YOU, you can't have that.  You send Jun Bug a Get Well card in the mail and Skype your grandma from your desk.  But you definitely took your ass to work and made it ON TIME!  Think for a moment: Does everytime something comes up, your boss is ALWAYS looking to fire you?  Never get a warning or just taken off the schedule?  You took 17 minutes on a 15 minute break and you are JUMPING on thin ice!  Just think about it...

Tip #7: And notice the MOST important thing.  TIME! 
You will NEVER get time back.  But is the person you are not in a relationship with even worth your time?  If the answer is yes, do your actions show that?  Did you take the TIME to text them Good Morning.  Did you take the TIME to call them back.  Did you take the TIME to listen because they had a bad day at work.  Did you take the TIME fix without looking to fuck.  If you did, my hat goes off to you bc remember, you are still NOT in a relationship!

Hey... YOU! "Like" my fan page PLEASE... JAY DUKES
Hey... YOU! "Like" my fan page PLEASE... JAY DUKES
Hey... YOU! "Like" my fan page PLEASE... JAY DUKES
Hey... YOU! "Like" my fan page PLEASE... JAY DUKES