Good Sportsmanship: Learning to Lose

Disclaimer: If you think I'm talking about YOU, you have my number!  And if you don't, somebody you know probably does.  Just give me a call.  AND... Just because I'm hosting DST's South Atlantic Regional Conference Step Show in Charleston, SC, on Friday, August 5th, doesn't mean I don't love other sororities!  But did YOU ask me to host YOUR conference?  *crickets*  Also, don't judge me.  And... Enjoy.  Here it goes:

I hate losing.  ABSOLUTELY hate it!  With a passion.  Like, seriously...  But I had to learn to lose.  And pause: I am NOT talking about game night.  I'm definitely ALWAYS the winner!  Even when playing my little neice.  She's 7 and a half.  We play the Dora The Explorer Matching Game.  And I whoop up on her- BAD.  Why?  1.) Because I don't lose.  2.) And because she talks shit.  Too grown.  7 going on 27.  "That's a parrot... and a PARRRROOOOOTTTT... That's TWO nigga!  In ya FACE!  How many you got?"  As I look at my empty pile, "Man... it's still early in the game!"  And best believe the ending score is 32 to TWO!  I WIN!  Pause: And you thinking "Dukes, you have to let the children win!"  Play:  Uh... NO!  She's learning early that NOBODY is going to give her SHIT!  Straight up!  And this is a great way to teach her! lol...

But when it comes to this Compromising thing, then you MUST learn to lose.  Because if you LOSE... You really win!  Wait for it... wait... for it...  Perfect example: Me and my lil' lady went to Dave N Busters the other day.  And I was hype as shit bc I'm a big ass kid!  (As you can tell.)  And all I could think about was when we were in Atlanta and went.  They had a 25- foot helicopter type thing.  Life-size cars that rumbled when u hit a wall, prostitutes for 100 tickets, a fairy god mother that made more tokens appear and all kinds of ish.  Woooooooo Weeeeee... this is going to be fun! 

Of course she didn't want to go and it was evident.  Because her homegirl, but my BEST FRIEND, asks, "Ummm... why are yall going to Dave N Busters?"  And she hit her with the beat box, "-sucks teeth- Pa Ta shhh... I don't even know..."  And I'm taken back by this.  WHOA... I just wanted to spend time.  Goodness!  Gee Willagers!  So I'm thinking, "Look Ms. Lady... I baked cupcakes with ya ass, you ARE playing Time Crisis 3 with ME!"  But I saaaaaaiiiiiidddddd, "For real babe?  We don't have to go if you don't want to..."  <----  You paying attention?  That was a LOSS on my part!  (CCB for me.  CCB means Clap, Clap, Bravo)  And if she would have responded, "Yea... babe, let's go somewhere else..."  Then I would have been thinking, "You selfish heifer!"  But she said, "No... babe, that's fine.  You ready?" <--- She also took an "L".  (Clap, clap, clap)  Because if your partner gets their way, then somehow you will get your way also.  I don't know Charlotte like that.  But SHE did!  Because I had NO clue that Dave N Busters was IN the mall.  And we went to 12 different stores so she could try on shoes and dresses before I saw ANY flashing lights or basketball or anything!

Another example: If you lose FIRST, then the courteous thing for your partner to do, is put the ball back in your court.
Me- "Hey... I'm coming up there today."
"Ok... Oooo... Where we going?"
BOOM!  Now's the time... take the loss NOW!  Right now?  Yes... Right now!  "Wherever you want to go babe."<---- Yes... Good job.  Because if she was raised right, her response will be the following:
"Ummmm... Where you want to go?" 
FUCK YYYYYEEEEEAAAASSSSSS....  Woot!  Woot!  Now I don't look selfish because I gave her the opportunity to pick.  But I refuse to go back an forth like, "You want a sip?  Take I sip?  I take a sip?  Then sip, sip?"  *K. Hart Voice*
So, let's see if you have learned anything yet?  If SHE says, "Ummm... Where you want to go?"  What do you do?  Two choices.  Go to YOUR favorite restaurant (win) or go to HER favorite restaurant (lose)????  I'll wait...
Answer: HER FAVORITE restuarant!  Duh... B*&^%!  Because if you go to YOUR favorite restaurant you dumb.  Mine happens to be Applebee's because I LOVE the Honey BBQ boneless wings.  But if I go to Applebee's and save a couple dollars with the 2 for $20, I (won) because we at Applebee's.  I (loss) because I have forfeited EVERY OTHER ASPECT of the date!  As a dude you only get ONE decision per date. 
"Hey... Welcome to Applebee's.  Two?  Smoking or Non?"
She answers: "NON!"
"Could I start you off with drinks?  Do you need a minute to look at the menu?"
Stomach growling like Hell.  I'm ready to order.  I knew what I wanted YESTERDAY!  But again, SHE answers: "Waters.  No lemon.  And yes, we need a minute."
Because now... this is the time for her to sway me from what she KNOWS I'm thinking.  I'm like, "Appetizer- Honey BBQ wings.  My entree- Parmesan Sirloin".  But her plan is, "OOOO... babe.  I LOOOOVVVVEEE the Spinach dip.  Try something new.  And do I want the pasta or chicken fingers? Hmmm..." 
And I'm confused like everything, because I don't know or care what tha f*&^ YOU want.  I'm ready to order...
"Ok... Are you all ready?  I will start with the lady first."
AGAIN... here SHE goes, "WE want the 2 for $20."
"Ok..."
"For the appetizer we want the SPINACH DIP.  And for my entree, WE want The Chicken Pasta.  And for HIS entree, WE want the Chicken Fingers.  *looks up at me*  So, that way I don't have to choose.  I can just get some of yours!"  And all that really means is, "Applebee's nigga???  I WIN!"

WHAT THA' F*&^????

Even with sex, learn to LOSE... Check: Sex is like Gasoline.  There are THREE levels of sex.  87, 89 and 93!  Unleaded, Regular and Premium.  And Ladies, you like to think that you are worth Premium or at least Regular everytime...  WHAT?!?!?!  You bumped ya F*&^in' head!  $40 of Premium will get me to work and back JUST today.  But $28 of Unleaded will last till I get paid.  As a dude, it's roughly three times you give a chick Premium.
1.) The FIRST time you fuck her. 
2.) Make up sex and
3.)  Birthdays. 
Sex on the regular gets REGULAR...  That's just doing too much.  I shouldn't have to make you nut EVERYTIME.  Back to compromise.  Let me get off and go to sleep sometimes.  Don't think it's always about YOU!  SSSSHHHHIIIITTTT...  I know you are a High Performance/Maintenance vehicle.  But regular is FINE.  (Did you know you can put regular fuel in a Mercedes or BMW?  If it starts acting crazy, just add Fuel Injector Cleaner or some shit like that.)  In this case... If she's tired of Regular, the fuel injector would be random head.  Just wait till she gets out of the shower, bang on the door.  Pick her up, put her on your shoulders.  Eat her like a (dawg), hand her her hairbrush and go back to sleep.<---- FUEL Injector.

And where is the LOSS here?  If she's happy, I'm happy!  The loss is with these HOES!  You can not, I repeat, you can NOT, give 93 to chicks you don't care about.  AT ALL!!!!  And the same for females.  If you ride better than a cowgirl,  and you not feeling him like that, just lay there...  Now you wondering why he keeps blowing up your phone and sending random ass smiley face texts.  And no...  It might not look good on your record that you didn't "put it down", but it was for the best- I PROMISE!

Summary:

1.) When you Lose, You WIN!
2.) Hoes gone be hoes so I couldn't blame Tammy
3.) Don't take my advice
4.) Wait till my next blog
5.) Follow me on Twitter @jaydukes1911

Jay Dukes aka Mr. Million Dollars aka Mr. "Hey... You Look Familiar"

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