Centennial Recap: Stuff I Probably Shouldn’t Tell You… Part 2 of (Who knows)

Disclaimer: The following is extremely exaggerated.  But it's the best way to tell how it went down.  Enjoy.  Welp... Here it goes:

I made it to the airport! -whew-. But ALL the Long Term Parking was FULL! Completely FULL! Time winding down, so I just parking in hourly parking! I will only be gone for two days! Why not? #leigo! I parked, jumped out and kept moving. Ran to the service desk, put in the confirmation number and the lady told me, “You need to hurry sir, you plane will leave ON-TIME!” “Yes ma’am. Yes ma’am!”

I RAN up the steps and almost went in the wrong way! But no worries, airport employees are mean as F*&^! White dude told me, “EXCUSE ME! You need to go THAT way!” “Ok… I got it… ok..ok… *K. Hart Voice* Did the security check thing. Took my shoes off. Everything out my pockets and sent my bag down the belt. I had NOTHING, absolutely NOTHING on me! And I had on basketball shorts. So no metal belt, button, nothing! But when I went through the metal detector, the dude said, “Excuse me sir, I’m going to have to pat you down. Hands over your head please.” And I mumbled, “Man… this is some BULLSHIT!” He looked up with the “Oh… Really?” face, didn’t pat me down and put out his left hand.

“Sir, please step to your right. NEXT!”
“Ummm… Sir? My plane leaves in less than thirty minutes! What’s the problem?”
“Mr. Dukes, until you calm down then I can not allow you to board this plane?”
Pause: You ever had somebody tell you to calm down prior to you getting upset? Just that statement in itself pisses you off!

Play: “Calm down? Motha F*&$#$ I AM CALM! Pat me down so I CAN GO!!!!” Now all the white people looking with the “Could he be a terrorist” face. I took off my shades and started again, “Do you know who I AM? This is racism! Where is Martin Luther and Malcolm X when you need em! I have NOTHING on me! NOTHING… I promise!” And the security dude said, “Mr. Dukes please calm down. It’s just my job. I have to pat you down. You are entitled to a private screening if you would like.” “Private screening my ASS! I can NOT MISS THAT PLANE!” So I pulled down my shorts and threw off my t-shirt. “Look! NOTHING!”

And white people are freaking out! One lady covered her daughters eyes, and this old white lady, with a cane, bout 70, almost swallowed her teeth and waved a dollar at me. (And of course I took it and gave her my card)
“Sir… please put back on your clothes.”
“Ok… ok…”
And this white dude named Zack was the ONLY reason they let me go. He must have known the security guy and he said, “You see our young brother is going through a lot right now. Let em through… C’mon man… let em through…” And his little son, bout six, helped out, “Yea… let em through…” and they started clapping. Before I knew it, it was 20 white people, chanting and clapping, “Let em… through. Let em through… Let em… through”. NO BULLSHIT!

So they let me go and I made it to the plane. -whew- And it was A LOT of empty seats on the plane. But two seconds before it pulled off, an Arab man got on the plane. It was two empty seats by me, but I was praying that none of these were his seat! -whew- He was in the middle seat in front of me. But the flight attendant suggested for him to sit in MY row instead of making the lady move! GGGRRR… You stupid B*&^%! Now a nigga is SCARED! Like for REAL!

Pause: I don’t know if yall heard or not, but some country has been doing research to implant bombs inside of living people! I’m not sure how far advanced the technology is, but I heard it!

Play: So, I’m watching this guy! Like a HAWK! Yall know I took Karate for about two months when I was nine, so I tried to remember EVERY move I learned. Not a lot of them came to me at the time, but enough did in case some shit popped off! “Left hook, elbow, kick… he’s down. Or… left knee, hi-ya, neck chop… he’s unconscious.” And I LOVE to sleep, but I couldn’t! The WHOLE ride I watched him. I don’t know if he had braces or whatever, but NO LIE… the WHOLE ride this guy had a fish hook, and he was picking stuff out of his teeth and dropping it in this cup! My paranoid self thinking that he’s taking stuff out of his mouth to make a bomb. Not sure how big the bomb was going to be. But I don’t think they even have to be big! I am freaking the F*&^ out!

Even though it’s been YEARS since I’ve taken Karate, I still keep my wrist wrap in my bag. To prepare myself, I started wrapping my wrists just in case… But… Ahhh haaaa *Braxton voice* If he knew I had a lot going for me, he would spare me. And by sparing me, I would save the plane! So I started having casual conversation and showing him pictures. “This… is when I hosted the show at USC. This… is when I went all the way to Florida A&M. You ever been to Florida?” And he nodded his head. Then he told me, “Wait… Wait… Ivse have sumtin’ for you”.

“NO, NO, NO! I don’t want it. I’m fine! Trust me! I’m fine!” And I explained to him that my bag was already 50 pounds and I couldn’t afford to put another ounce inside my bag! -whew- I saved the plane!
The Captain came over the intercom, “Thank for flying CALMT Airlines, where we guarantee Cheap Ass Last Minute Tickets. We are preparing to land. Welcome to Baltimore!”

END of Part TWO

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